Helping children grieve: what to say, by age

When someone in the family dies, adults often want to protect children from the sadness. Children notice anyway. What helps them most is honest, simple information and an adult who stays close. This note describes how children understand death at different ages and what helps, drawn from the National Cancer Institute’s review of the research.

Use the real words

Tell children what happened in simple, honest language that fits their age.¹ Use the words “died” and “death,” and name the illness. Phrases like “we lost Grandpa,” “he went to sleep” or “she went away” can confuse children, and the research advises against them.¹ A young child told that Grandpa is sleeping may become afraid of going to sleep.

What children understand, by age

Under 2. Babies and toddlers can’t understand death, but they feel the absence and the change around them. They may become fussy, listless or sleep poorly.¹ Keep routines steady and keep familiar people close.

2 to 3. Young children may confuse death with sleep. They may lose words they had or seem upset in general ways.¹

3 to 6. Children this age often think death is temporary or can be undone, and may ask when the person is coming back. They may believe their thoughts or behavior caused the death.¹ Eating, sleeping or toilet habits can slip. Explain gently, more than once, that the person can’t come back, and that nothing the child thought or did caused it.

6 to 9. Children become curious about death and may picture it as a person or a spirit. Grief may show up as trouble at school, pulling away from friends or acting out.¹ Answer their questions directly, including the hard ones.

9 and older. Children understand that death happens to everyone, and by about 12 they see it as final.¹ Older children and teenagers may want to talk with friends more than with family, and may hide their grief to protect you.

Children grieve in bursts

A child may cry hard and then ask to go play. That’s normal. Children’s grief tends to come and go, and it can last longer than adults’.¹ Children often come back to a loss at later milestones, like a graduation or a first day of school, and grieve it again with a new understanding.¹

Funerals and rituals

Children can take part in funerals and memorials, and many benefit from it, but they shouldn’t be forced.¹ Tell them ahead of time what they’ll see and hear, and ask a familiar adult to stay with them and take them out if they need a break.¹ Small roles help: choosing a photo, drawing a picture to place in the casket, lighting a candle.

What helps at home

Keep routines as steady as you can. Let children see you sad and tell them why; it shows them grief is safe. Tell their teachers. Keep the person’s memory in the house: photos, stories, their favorite food on their birthday.

When a child may need more help

Talk to the child’s doctor or a counselor if grief seems stuck many months later, if school or friendships fall apart, if a child talks about wanting to die to be with the person, or if you’re worried. If a child or teenager talks about ending their life, call or text 988 at any hour.² If your loved one was on hospice, ask the bereavement team about support for children.