Grief at the holidays: getting through the first ones

The first holidays after a death can arrive like a wave. The empty chair, the recipe no one else knows, the song in the store. Grief is often stirred up by exactly these days. This note offers practical ways to plan the first holidays and anniversaries, drawn from the research on grief and from what families tell our bereavement team.

Why the holidays are hard

Grief tends to come in waves, and reminders set them off: a birthday, a holiday, the anniversary of the death.¹ Holidays pack many reminders into one day, with an expectation to be cheerful on top. It makes sense that they hurt.

Decide ahead of time

Dreading a day is often worse than the day itself. Decide a few things in advance: where you’ll be, who you’ll be with, and how long you’ll stay. Give yourself permission to leave early. Tell your family what you can handle this year and what you can’t.

Keep, change or skip traditions

There’s no right answer. Some families keep every tradition because it keeps the person close. Some change them, eating somewhere else or doing something new, because the old way hurts too much right now. Some skip a holiday entirely the first year. You can decide again next year.

Keep the person in the day

Many families find it helps to name the person out loud instead of tiptoeing around the empty chair. Light a candle. Set out their photo. Cook their dish. Ask everyone to share one memory. Give to a cause they cared about. Children often like having a job in these rituals.

Look after the basics

Holidays can mean less sleep, more alcohol and skipped meals, which make grief harder. Keep some of your routine. Get outside. Step away from a crowded room when you need to.

Anniversaries

The first anniversary of the death is often harder than people expect, and the weeks before it can be heavy too. Plan the day the same way: decide where you’ll be and who you’ll be with. Some families visit the grave, some go to the person’s favorite place, some spend the day quietly.

When to ask for help

If the dread of the holidays is stopping you from eating, sleeping or working, or if grief feels as heavy a year later as it did at first, talk to someone.¹ If your loved one was on hospice, call the bereavement team. At HealthView we stay in touch with families for thirteen months, through the first holidays and the first anniversary. If you have thoughts of ending your life, call or text 988 at any hour.²