Losing a husband, wife or partner: the first year

Losing a spouse or partner means losing a person and, often, a whole way of living: the routines, the shared jobs, the one person who remembered everything with you. Many widows and widowers say the second wave, months later, was harder than the first weeks. This note covers what the first year often looks like and what helps.

Grief and the change in daily life

After a spouse dies, grief arrives alongside a long list of changes. The bills he paid, the medicines she managed, the car, the house, the friends who were really couples’ friends. Numbness, sadness, anger, guilt, trouble sleeping and loss of interest are all common parts of grief.¹ So is the feeling of not knowing who you are now.

The second wave

In the first weeks, there are people, food and things to do. Then the casseroles stop and everyone goes home. Many people find the months after that the hardest. That’s a common pattern: grief often peaks in the first months and softens slowly over the first year or two.¹ Plan for company in those months, not just the first weeks.

Practical things

Funeral homes generally report the death to Social Security. A surviving spouse may receive a one-time payment of $255, and may qualify for monthly survivor benefits.² Call Social Security to ask what you’re eligible for.

Gather the paperwork you’ll need: certified death certificates, insurance policies, bank and retirement accounts, the deed or lease, and any will or trust. You don’t need to settle everything at once. Many advisors suggest waiting a while before big decisions like selling the house or moving.

Looking after yourself

People who lose a spouse sometimes stop looking after their own health. Keep your doctor’s appointments. Eat real meals, even small ones. Move every day. Sleep as well as you can, and tell your doctor if you can’t sleep for weeks.

Let people help, and tell them how. Accept the invitation even when you don’t feel like going. Consider a grief group for widows and widowers; many people find it easier to talk with people who understand.

When to ask for more help

If your grief is as intense a year later as at first, if you’ve stopped eating or leaving the house, or if you’re relying on alcohol to get through the day, talk to your doctor.¹ If you have thoughts of ending your life, or of wanting to die to be with your spouse, call or text 988 at any hour.³

If your spouse was on hospice, the bereavement team is there for you. Medicare requires hospices to offer bereavement support for up to a year.⁴ At HealthView we stay in touch for thirteen months.