RoundsHospice and palliative care
After caregiving ends: looking after yourself
The tiredness, the empty days and the mixed feelings many caregivers have after a death, why relief is normal, and how to rebuild your own health and routine.
Listen to this note
For months or years, every day may have been organized around someone else’s care: medicines, appointments, nights up with them. When they die, the caring stops overnight, and many caregivers feel lost, exhausted and guilty about a relief they didn’t expect. This note is about the caregiver’s own recovery.
The empty days
Caregivers often say the hardest part is the silence. No alarms for medicines, no calls to the doctor, no one to check on. The structure of the day is gone along with the person. It’s common to feel restless and aimless for a while.
Relief is normal
Many caregivers feel relief when a long illness ends: relief that the person isn’t suffering, and relief from the work. Then they feel guilty for it. Relief and grief can live side by side. Feeling relieved doesn’t mean you didn’t love them.
Grief often brings guilt anyway: the thing you didn’t say, the day you lost patience. Guilt is a common part of grief.1 Most caregivers did far more than they give themselves credit for.
Your own health
Long caregiving can leave people run down: missed checkups, lost sleep, weight changes, aches that were ignored. Make an appointment with your own doctor in the first months. Tell them you’ve been a caregiver and that you’re grieving.
Rebuild a routine
Start small. Get up at the same time. Walk. Eat a real lunch. Call one friend a week. Many caregivers lost touch with people during the illness; reaching back out can feel awkward, and it is still worth doing.
Finding purpose again
Some former caregivers eventually volunteer, sometimes with hospice, because they want to help other families. That can be meaningful, and it is worth waiting until you feel steady. Others simply rediscover hobbies they set aside. There’s no right way.
When to ask for help
If after many months you still can’t sleep or eat, can’t make yourself do anything, or feel your life has no meaning, talk to your doctor. These can be signs of depression or prolonged grief, and both can be treated.1 If you have thoughts of ending your life, call or text 988 at any hour.2
If your loved one was on hospice, the bereavement team is there for caregivers too. Medicare requires hospices to offer bereavement support for up to a year.3
Questions families ask
Is it wrong that I feel relieved?
No. Relief after a long illness is common and sits alongside grief.
Why do I feel so guilty?
Guilt is a common part of grief.1 Most caregivers did more than they realize.
When should I see my own doctor?
In the first few months. Tell them you were a caregiver and are grieving.
Sources
Sources 3 references
- National Cancer Institute, PDQ Supportive and Palliative Care Editorial Board, “Grief, Bereavement, and Coping With Loss (PDQ®), Health Professional Version,” updated June 26, 2024. ncbi.nlm.nih.gov (opens in a new tab)
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, call or text 988, any hour. 988lifeline.org (opens in a new tab)
- 42 CFR 418.64, “Condition of participation: Core services,” including bereavement counseling. Legal Information Institute, Cornell Law School. law.cornell.edu (opens in a new tab)
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